desperately

by jamie lin

    It was almost one thirty a.m. Instead of dead asleep in bed like the previous week, I sat perched on a brick wall overlooking the crowd below. A clove dangled from my right hand, the black ashes falling into an abandoned red party cup.

    "Cool moon," I said to no one in particular.

    "Hey," my friend responded. "You know back in the North, the moon always looks so sad."

    We were both from the suburban North, a little out of place this far down. Neither one of us could pinpoint the exact difference except for the weather. The air still felt eighty-five, dry like coarse grass on our skin. Not really unpleasant, not to me.

    "Really? I never got close enough to see," I said. I was supposed to wear glasses all the time but the thick frames bothered me more than the blurriness of my perception.

    "But here, it looks happy." She emphasized the word with an exaggerated grin.

    We laughed a bit hysterically.

    "I thought the sky's supposed to be good down here." I pointed at it. "It's still purple, like New York City."

    "Well, we're near Atlanta. Mingles together. Everything eventually will mingle together."

    "That’s deep.” I pondered a moment for something interesting to say. “I hate pollution. Purple is a nice color though. For the sky, I mean. Never on me. Well, sometimes. Maybe. Depends on my mood." Whatever color I wore always depended on my mood. Tonight, I wore azure. Azure like winter moons and deep-sea water, azure like my ex-boyfriend’s eyes whenever he was ecstatic. Azure like the tie he wore to my graduation before he let me go to chase after some far-fetched dream.

    "You think we're leaving soon?" she said, looking around for our eight friends. Or rather, classmates. Not all of us were friends yet. I learned from leafing through my psychology book last night that in order to form strong bonds, one had to open up to be vulnerable. Open up and share fears and heartbreaks. I actually realized that all my high school friends stayed close because we talked about boys all the time, how we wanted them when they didn’t want us, how they didn’t want us until we didn’t want them.

    "Bored?"  I dropped the rest of the clove into the suspicious liquid and it frizzed loudly. "Wanna go dance?"

"Nah."

    I left her for the center of the courtyard where a live band was playing. Some form of rock/indie music. Very hard to dance to.

    Feeling slightly awkward and self-conscious about the swing of my hips, I looked around. I saw a boy close behind me. He asked me to dance. I agreed.

    He pressed into me right away, too close from behind. His lips pressed hard on my shoulder, nuzzling me with his nose. He asked me my name, where I was from, what I liked. A little desperately like I was the only one. After a few minutes, I felt that he was hard. I wanted to leave but stayed until the song ended.

    He released me to clap. I ducked my head and returned to my seat quickly. I introspected over the experience. Most of the time it was hard for me to say no. It was harder yet to say no to ugly people. I used to be one of them, looking at things I wanted but knew I could never have. Even the simplest things. Things everyone should have even if it was only a tiny piece. Maybe I was still one of them though I dyed my hair so that it complemented my complexion and whitened my yellowed teeth. And almost all the acne disappeared due to daily shea butter treatment. There was not one time when I said no to myself knowing if I did, I’d lie wide awake all night contemplating what ifs.

    I didn't leave my seat after, kept my eyes on the still looming trees, the yellow grass, and the occasional cars rolling down the broad Southern streets. Every now and then, I saw him nearby. He pretended he didn’t notice me exhaling smoke.

    Another guy asked me to dance. He was fat and wore his pants too high. I made myself say no. He said, "That's just fine."

    After a while, it was just me on the bench. My Northern friend went to see if our very drunk friends were okay. I felt oddly separated from everyone else. They were fishes, swimming around, admiring each other, thrusting cocks and asses together to distract from the fact that they felt utterly alone. 

    A guy passed by, smoke bellowing from his mouth. "Excuse me," I said loudly. I ran out of something to do. I had to call three times.

    He had acne on the left side of his face and some above his pierced, right eyebrow. I felt strangely mesmerized by his silver stud. "Yeah?"

    "Do you have another cigarette?"

    "Yeah." He reached into his back pocket. He looked bored too. "Lighter?"

    "Yes, please." I inhaled deep until I almost choked and watched him go sit on the floor against the wall. His head dropped a few inches as if he fell asleep.

    The live band was finishing up their last song. I looked around for my friends. Nowhere to be found.

    Oh, what the hell. I walked over to him and sat down not too lady-like. "Hi." I said my name.

    He looked up. I repeated my name. I always had to say it twice. "You look like you're having fun."

    "Eh." He studied me, not bothering to be subtle. "I'm Clark."

    We shook hands firmly as if at a dinner party. Southern boys. "Clark like Superman?"

    "No. Clark like he-doesn’t-know-yet-what-the-hell-he-wants."

    "Ah." We talked about classes for a while. Then, we were quiet. "So..." I said.

    "I've some vodka in my room. Been thinking about it all night. You can come if you want.” He stood up.

    Thirty minutes later, I found myself staring up at the azure ceiling. I felt his head pressed into my stomach. Then he descended and the curls of his hair ticked my thighs. I shivered, cold but gliding alongside warmth.

    Azure, the opposite of ruby. Ruby like when I pricked myself with little pieces of glass and said, “Fuck, fuck, fuck.”

    This felt no different except at the very least, I wasn’t alone.

Jamie Lin is currently attending college in Georgia with plan to study creative writing and philosophy. Her stories can be found at Cherry Bleeds, Storyglossia, Insolent Rudder, Blood Lotus and Edifice Wrecked. Her website is at jamielin.net.